സിനി പണിക്കർ

ഫൊക്കാന 2022 സാഹിത്യ പുരസ്കാര ജേതാക്കൾ- 7
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മലയാള സാഹിത്യലോകത്തിൽ ഇന്നും ആചാര്യസ്ഥാനത്തു തുടരുന്ന പ്രൊഫ. എം കെ സാനുവാണ് ഈ കൃതിക്ക് അവതാരിക എഴുതിയിട്ടുള്ളത്. അദ്ദേഹം അവതാരികയിൽ ഇങ്ങനെ പറയുന്നു: “ബാഹ്യജീവിതസംഭവങ്ങൾ അപ്രധാനമാക്കിക്കൊണ്ട്, അല്ലെങ്കിൽ നിമിത്തങ്ങൾ ആക്കിക്കൊണ്ട്, ആന്തരിക ജീവിതത്തിന്റെ ചലനങ്ങൾ സൂക്ഷ്മമായി ആവിഷ്കരിക്കുന്നതിലാണ് സിനി പണിക്കർ തന്റെ സർവ്വകഴിവുകളും ഏകാഗ്രമായി പ്രയോഗിച്ചിട്ടുള്ളത്. അത് അതിമനോഹരമായി നിർവ്വഹിക്കുകയും ചെയ്തിരിക്കുന്നു… ഞാൻ ഇതിനെ പ്രതിഷ്ഠിക്കുന്നത് എം. ടി. വാസുദേവൻനായരുടെ ‘രണ്ടാമൂഴ’ത്തിന്റെയും പി. കെ. ബാലകൃഷ്ണന്റെ ‘ഇനി ഞാൻ ഉറങ്ങട്ടെ’ എന്ന നോവലിന്റെയും കൂട്ടത്തിൽ ആയിരിക്കും.”
My heart still beats with a secret yearning when I think of him. It is exasperating that I still love him this much, after all these years. Seventeen years to be exact. Sometimes I raise my right hand absentmindedly in the air, trying to trace his handsome face. My fingers caress his cheeks, his lips, that small dent in his chin. I press with my right thumb there. He smiles at me with longing. That smile of his that is exclusively mine. A smile that carried just the two of us into the heavens.
The Tamasa is a tributary of the holy river Ganga. Ram and I grew up in two different provinces in the Gangetic plains of the northeastern land. We loved these rivers. The rivers in turn witnessed our love for each other.
Ram used the opportunity. He sent me away from the palace on the most beautiful royal chariot, in the company of his brother Lakshman.
It was time for Lakshman to return to Ayodhya. He had fulfilled his part per the king’s command, and I was exiled to the jungle. I asked Lakshman to leave; but he chose to remain with me. So, I condemned him with harsh words, said that he was as evil and cowardly as Ram, the brother he worshipped. I said I wished that I had never met him. That I had no brother, if I had one he was now dead and cremated.
Curled up on the ground, now alone, I cursed Ram for the first and last time in my life. For making sweet, kind Lakshman do this demoralizing, haunting job of exiling me. Ram knew of Lakshman’s brotherly love and affection towards me. Why couldn’t Ram have found anyone else? The king could have exiled me secretly through any of his regular charioteers; he had dozens of them. Ram could easily have spared Lakshman this pain and shame.
A thin, saffron-robed man, his eyes saturated with this world’s endless agony, the sage held me close and comforted me as my dear father would. He made me look at his eyes, and he began to absorb my pain. I took a calming breath for the sake of the baby in my belly.
He took me to this ashram. I gave birth to my twins here. They grew up here to be a pair of handsome, educated, brave young warriors. They are also the sage’s disciples. A rare but precious duality exists in Luv and Kush; I find them equally spiritual and martial. My boys are one of a kind and I am the proudest mother on this earth. This ashram has made me that. The sage has transformed the lost log into a gracious mother.
And yet, I have found myself on innumerable occasions in this ashram as suspended dirt in a raging muddy river, unable to locate my existence in the realms of time or place. I have simply drifted along with the current. When you are stuck in the thick emulsion of a storming stream, all you can do is to look up to the light above and wonder. About a beautiful life that could have been. About the fortunate life my boys could have had in Ayodhya.
Now, tomorrow morning, I will have to leave this beautiful home for Ayodhya. Somehow, something tells me I will not be returning here. What is waiting for me in Ayodhya? I am not certain. And it terrifies me.
We begin at the beginning. We gauge life’s gains and losses. We make a tally, we tell the story.
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